Being Alone

Once again I am lying here on my bed staring aimlessly up at the ceiling. My ears are focused on the fan  hum as they have been so many nights before. The covers are pulled tightly to my throat, cloaking my body as an armor. I wonder to myself why this is all of a sudden my life. Nobody ever told me, or at least I never thought living could be so difficult.

It seems like only yesterday that I was growing up at home, playing, smiling, and basking in the love and adoration of my family and friends. I was always laughing, joking, and enjoying every detail of life. It seems there were no bad days back then.

Sometimes I recall and dwell upon the ignorant happiness that youth dictated.

I wish that I had seized my childhood memories more carefully instead of letting them flow from my mind like a thief in the night. Suddenly, I realize and am awaken to the fact that I am twenty years old, alone and lonely. Sometimes I am overcome and fear the coming of tomorrow. “Is this all there is?” I quietly ask myself.

I ask myself why this lifestyle has befallen me. Am I not a good person? Have I wronged someone? Have I maybe hurt someone and this is my punishment? Never in all my life have I felt like this. The harder I try to answer my questions, the more further away the answer seems to run and hide from me, like children playing catch me if you can, or hide and go seek. This lifestyle is not of my liking or my choosing.

In the not too distant past, my life was that of a perfect picture, a flawless work of art. There was the family, the house, and the entire fulfillment and responsibility of it all. Then like a lightning flash one cold day in December it disappeared, disintegrating before my very eyes. A shattered life now replaces what was once a promising future for all concerned. Sorting out, picking up and piecemealing a new life together best describes my newfound existence. 

Being defeated and broken by this test of life is not an option I consider or give place to. There is a reason we as human beings face different trials in our lives. Quite possibly there is a master plan for all of us. We all face situations, circumstances, and events in our lives that are not to our liking, choosing, or understanding. In my situation, I am not to question why…. I am but to do or die. No, I didn’t coin that phrase. No applause please. I heard that phrase somewhere. It speaks volumes to be such a short order of words.

There are many people I have found from all walks of life that share my circumstances; both men, women, young, and old alike. I do find some peace and comfort in knowing that I am not alone or indifferent in my struggle. Others do share the same burden.